Spirit Airlines Officially Embraces Its True Nature, Announces Permanent Transition to Bus Company

MIRAMAR, FL - After years of accidentally operating as an airline, Spirit Airlines announced Friday that it would fully embrace its destiny as a Greyhound competitor by permanently grounding all aircraft and converting them into the world's most uncomfortable buses.

'We've been fooling ourselves for decades,' said CEO Ted Christie at a press conference held in the cramped middle seat of a Spirit Airbus A320. 'Our customers have been telling us for years that flying with us feels like being trapped in a moving prison. Well, now we can offer that same experience without the inconvenience of leaving the ground.'

The airline's new 'Spirit Road' service will feature all the amenities passengers have come to expect: seats that recline a maximum of 0.5 degrees, a $47 fee for bringing emotional support, and drivers who will personally charge you $15 for making eye contact.

'I'm actually excited about this,' said frequent Spirit customer Janet Morrison, who has been stranded at Fort Lauderdale airport since 2019. 'At least when the bus breaks down, I can get out and walk. That's more than I could say about their planes.'

Spirit's first bus route will run from Miami to Orlando, with an estimated travel time of 'somewhere between 4 hours and the heat death of the universe,' according to company materials. The buses will maintain the airline's signature yellow color scheme, though they will be required to add racing stripes to indicate which fees apply to which sections of the vehicle.

The conversion process will begin immediately, with mechanics removing airplane wings and installing additional coin-operated armrests. Company officials noted that the planes' existing bathrooms are already perfectly sized for bus travel, requiring no modifications whatsoever.

'This is really just us being honest about what we are,' Christie added. 'We're not an airline. We never were. We're a mobile customer abuse simulator that occasionally moves people from one place to another.'