Thousands Of Canadians Descend On North Carolina, Politely Apologizing For Everything

RALEIGH, NC — Panic swept through the streets of Raleigh Wednesday as thousands of Canadians poured across the state line, holding doors open for strangers, offering unsolicited but genuinely helpful directions, and apologizing profusely whenever anyone bumped into them first.

'I don't know what's happening,' said local resident Daryl Hutchins, 44, who was offered a poutine by a man in a Carey Price jersey and then watched helplessly as the man apologized for offering it. 'He said sorry four times. I was the one who stepped on his foot.'

North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper declared a state of moderate inconvenience, warning residents that parking lots near PNC Arena had been completely taken over by vehicles with Quebec license plates, all of which had somehow parallel parked perfectly on the first try.

'We urge citizens to remain calm,' Cooper said at a press conference, pausing briefly as a Canadian man behind him whispered 'sorry' for standing too close to the microphone stand. 'They appear to be friendly, bilingual, and deeply, almost pathologically polite. We have no defense against this.'

Carolina Hurricanes fans, for their part, were reportedly unprepared for the sheer volume of hockey knowledge radiating from the visiting supporters, many of whom could name every Canadiens player dating back to 1942 and were willing to discuss this at considerable, enthusiastic length.

'One of them explained the offside trap to me for forty-five minutes,' said Hurricanes season ticket holder Brenda Simmons. 'And I genuinely learned a lot. I kind of hate that I learned a lot.'

At press time, local Tim Hortons franchises were reportedly experiencing 'catastrophic demand,' and a group of Canadians had been spotted cheerfully shoveling a resident's driveway despite temperatures being a perfectly reasonable 68 degrees Fahrenheit.

'They said it was just something they do,' Hutchins confirmed, visibly moved. 'I don't understand them at all, but I respect them enormously.'