Trump Announces 401(k) Plans Will Now Accept Pokémon Cards, Beanie Babies, and 'Whatever Crypto My Son Is Shilling This Week'

WASHINGTON — In a groundbreaking move that financial experts are calling 'either genius or completely unhinged,' former President Donald Trump announced plans to expand 401(k) investment options to include cryptocurrency, private equity, vintage baseball cards, and 'literally anything you can sell on eBay for more than you paid for it.'

'Look, the stock market is boring,' Trump explained during a press conference held inside a GameStop. 'Why should hardworking Americans be stuck investing in companies that actually make money when they could be putting their retirement funds into DogeCoin or a limited-edition Furby from 1998?'

The proposal, dubbed the 'YOLO Retirement Act,' would remove traditional investment guardrails and allow 401(k) participants to diversify their portfolios with what Trump calls 'alternative assets that really pop.' These include non-fungible tokens of his own Truth Social posts, shares in his son Eric's lemonade stand, and physical gold buried in various Trump properties.

'My financial advisor tried to tell me that investing my entire 401(k) in cryptocurrency named after dog memes was risky,' said early adopter Janet Middlesworth of Toledo, Ohio, who has already converted her retirement savings into SafeMoon tokens and a rare McDonald's Szechuan sauce packet. 'But then I realized my financial advisor doesn't even own a single Bored Ape NFT, so what does he know about wealth building?'

Wall Street has embraced the proposal with unprecedented enthusiasm, with Goldman Sachs CEO David Solomon announcing the firm would immediately begin offering 401(k) investment packages focused entirely on 'speculative assets that make day trading look conservative.'

'We're particularly excited about our new 'Retirement Russian Roulette' portfolio,' Solomon explained, 'which automatically invests participants' funds in whatever cryptocurrency is trending on TikTok that week.'

Critics of the plan argue that encouraging Americans to gamble their retirement savings on volatile investments could lead to widespread financial ruin. However, Trump dismissed these concerns, noting that 'financial ruin builds character' and that Americans who lose their life savings can always 'pull themselves up by their bootstraps and start a cryptocurrency.'

The Labor Department's preliminary approval of the proposal has sparked a gold rush mentality among alternative asset managers, with new investment options appearing daily. Popular choices include shares in a company that claims to be developing time travel technology, bonds backed by the future earnings of child TikTok influencers, and a mutual fund that exclusively invests in businesses owned by people who have appeared on reality TV shows.

'I used to worry about having enough money to retire,' said prospective investor Bob Daniels, 45, while purchasing $50,000 worth of tokens for a cryptocurrency called 'MoonLambo.' 'But now I realize I can either retire wealthy or not retire at all. It's really simplified my financial planning.'

At press time, Trump was reportedly considering a follow-up proposal that would replace Social Security with a national lottery system administered through a partnership with his casinos.