Trump Announces Middle East Conflict Will Be Wrapped Up Just in Time for His Golf Tournament in Mar-a-Lago

PALM BEACH, FL - In a surprise press conference held at the 19th hole of his Mar-a-Lago golf course, former President Donald Trump announced that ongoing Middle East tensions would be resolved in exactly 4-5 weeks, just in time for his annual charity golf tournament.

'Look, I've done the math - and I'm very good at math, probably the best - and this whole thing wraps up perfectly before my tournament,' Trump explained while adjusting his golf gloves. 'I mean, what are the odds? It's like divine intervention, but better because I planned it.'

Trump went on to clarify that while America has the 'capability to go far longer,' doing so would interfere with his putting practice schedule. 'We could fight for months, years even - I have tremendous stamina, ask anyone - but then I'd miss my own charity event, and that would be a disaster for veterans who look exactly like me.'

When pressed about the State Department's urgent evacuation recommendations, Trump suggested Americans in the Middle East should simply relocate to his resort properties. 'I've got beautiful hotels everywhere. Five stars. The best hotels. Much safer than embassies, which frankly have terrible Yelp reviews.'

The former president concluded by noting that several world leaders had already RSVP'd to his tournament, including 'some very fine people from both sides of various conflicts.'

At press time, Trump was seen practicing his victory speech while lining up a putt, muttering something about 'peace through superior golf course management.'