Trump Demands Iran Also Reopen His Favorite Sushi Restaurant as Part of Peace Deal

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that any ceasefire agreement with Iran must include not only the reopening of the Strait of Hormuz, but also the immediate restoration of his beloved Sakura Palace Sushi & Hibachi, which shuttered its doors in 2019 after a health department incident involving suspicious tuna.

"Look, we need free navigation through Hormuz, that's obvious," Trump told reporters while gesturing wildly with a half-eaten Big Mac. "But I also need my spicy salmon rolls. The Iranian Supreme Leader knows exactly what he did to my favorite Tuesday night spot, and frankly, it's an act of war."

The President's demands have expanded throughout the week to include reopening several other establishments he claims Iran has "conspired to close," including a Blockbuster Video in Omaha, three different RadioShacks, and mysteriously, the original Woolworth's lunch counter where he allegedly had his "first real date" in 1967.

"The Ayatollah thinks he can mess with American commerce? Wrong," Trump declared, waving a crumpled Sakura Palace takeout menu from 2018. "I've got the nuclear codes and a Yelp account, and I'm not afraid to use both."

Iranian officials responded with confusion, with Foreign Minister Javad Zarif tweeting simply: "We literally have no idea what a RadioShack is."

The Pentagon confirmed they are now developing contingency plans for "Operation California Roll," though military officials stressed they "really, really hope it doesn't come to that."