Trump Fires Entire San Francisco Presidio Board After Discovering They Had Been Dead Since 1994

WASHINGTON—In a shocking revelation that has left political observers scratching their heads, former President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he has fired the entire San Francisco Presidio Board of Trustees after discovering that all seven members had been deceased since 1994.

"I knew something was fishy when none of them returned my calls," Trump said during a press conference held in the parking lot of a defunct RadioShack. "And frankly, their performance reviews were terrible. Just sitting there, not moving, not talking—very low energy. Sad!"

According to sources, Trump became suspicious when board meeting minutes consistently showed identical voting patterns, with all trustees reportedly responding "*rattling noise*" to every agenda item for the past 29 years.

"We should have known something was wrong when Chairman Peterson's jaw fell off during the 2003 budget meeting," admitted Presidio spokesman Gary Waltham. "But honestly, his participation levels didn't really change much after that."

The discovery was made when Trump personally visited the board's meeting room and found seven skeletons in business attire seated around a conference table, with name placards still neatly arranged in front of each pile of bones.

"Look, I've worked with a lot of stiffs in my time, but this is ridiculous," Trump continued. "At least my other appointees had the decency to quit before decomposing completely."

Trump has announced he will be replacing the deceased board members with "living, breathing Americans," though sources indicate he is still considering his son Eric, who many argue falls into a legal gray area regarding the "living" requirement.