Trump Launches $1.8 Billion 'Sorry You Got Hurt' Fund, Specifically Excludes Everyone Who Got Hurt

WASHINGTON — A groundbreaking new $1.8 billion fund established to compensate victims of targeted federal government persecution has been celebrated this week for its innovative approach of identifying every single harmed party and then firmly declining to give them any money whatsoever.

'This is truly historic,' said fund administrator Chad Brilleaux, 47, gesturing proudly at a large empty room where claimants would theoretically sit if they were allowed to exist. 'We have created the most comprehensive list of people who suffered measurable harm, and then, in a completely unrelated step, decided none of them qualify.'

The fund, which legal scholars describe as 'compensation-shaped,' was reportedly modeled after a birthday card where everyone signs it but nobody chips in for the actual gift.

'Look, just because the government specifically targeted you, documented that it targeted you, sent you certified letters explaining that it was targeting you, and then target you again just to be thorough — that doesn't necessarily mean you were targeted,' explained lead attorney Reginald Forthwright III, pausing to eat an entire sub sandwich before continuing. 'You'd have to prove intent, damages, and frankly some kind of vibe that we're just not getting from your paperwork.'

Among those excluded from the fund are groups described in the fund's own documentation as 'clearly harmed,' 'obviously impacted,' and, in one notable case, 'genuinely what this was all about.'

Plaintiffs in the lawsuit say the situation is unprecedented, though several historians noted it was 'pretty precedented.'

'We were specifically named in the targeting,' said one plaintiff who wished to remain anonymous, mostly out of exhaustion. 'There's a PowerPoint. Slide four is just a photo of my house with a red circle around it. And yet here we are.'

At press time, the fund had successfully disbursed its full $1.8 billion to a single recipient: a limited liability corporation registered in Delaware whose sole listed asset is a boat named 'No Notes.'