Satire · Fiction for entertainment

Trump Pardons Man Who Simply Forgot He Wasn't Allowed To Do Insider Trading Anymore After Leaving Congress

By dedododo Staff•6/7/2026•2 min read

WASHINGTON — Citing what he called 'a complete and total miscarriage of justice against a patriot who just really, really liked buying stocks at extremely opportune moments,' President Donald Trump officially pardoned former Republican Congressman Stephen Buyer on Tuesday, freeing a man whose only crime, sources confirm, was allegedly knowing things regular people are not legally allowed to know.

'Stephen Buyer is an innocent man,' Trump told reporters while signing the pardon with a gold Sharpie the size of a baseball bat. 'He bought some stocks. The stocks went up. Is that a crime in this country? Yes, technically, according to the courts, but that's fake news.'

Buyer, who had been convicted and sentenced to 22 months in prison for insider trading, emerged from the courthouse visibly emotional, insisting once again that he had maintained his innocence throughout the entire ordeal, a claim he has now maintained approximately 4,700 times since his arrest.

'I am completely innocent,' said Buyer, glancing briefly at a stock ticker on his phone. 'I have always been innocent. I will continue to be innocent going forward, probably.'

Legal experts noted that the pardon was especially notable because Buyer had served as a healthcare lobbyist at the time of the alleged trades, meaning he was surrounded constantly by sensitive corporate information that he absolutely, positively, scouts-honor did not use.

'His defense was essentially that it was all a massive coincidence,' explained constitutional law professor Diane Whitmore. 'And frankly, some coincidences are so massive and so perfectly timed and so financially lucrative that they deserve a presidential pardon. That's just how democracy works now.'

At press time, Buyer was spotted outside the New York Stock Exchange with a very large ear pressed firmly against the building's front door.

More stories

PUBLIC SAFETY ALERT: Federal Legislator Continuity Oversight Commission Confirms That Senator Who Voted Against Bill Did Not Vote For It, Parliamentary Intent Analysts Warn Absence Of Affirmative Vote Was 'Nay-Adjacent, Constitutionally Logged, And Technically The Opposite Of Yes'

Federal investigators have issued a formal public safety advisory after a sitting U.S. Senator was found to have voted against a piece of legislation, confirming that the vote — recorded in the official congressional ledger as a 'Nay' — was, at the time of casting, not a 'Yea.' Concerned citizens are urged to remain calm.

Politics•3 min read

PUBLIC SAFETY ALERT: Interagency Pedestrian Directional Conflict Bureau Warns That Two People Attempting To Pass Each Other On A Narrow Walkway May Each Step The Same Way Simultaneously, Spatial Negotiation Officers Describe Impasse As 'Bilateral, Uncoordinated, And Deeply Personal Despite Involving A Stranger'

A newly formed federal task force has issued an emergency public safety alert warning Americans that the sidewalk passing problem has reached 'a national inflection point,' with analysts confirming the little dance has been observed in all 50 states and three U.S. territories.

Politics•3 min read

OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Federal Government Accidentally Holds All-Hands Meeting For All 2.3 Million Employees, Chief People Officer Confirms Attendance Was 'Mandatory, Logistically Catastrophic, And Somehow Still Missing Dave From Procurement'

The federal government held its first-ever mandatory all-hands meeting for all 2.3 million employees Tuesday, during which the audio cut out for forty minutes, three cabinet secretaries were placed in a waiting room, and the slide reading 'EXCITING NEWS ABOUT OUR CULTURE' auto-advanced before anyone could read it.

Politics•3 min read

← Back to Home