Trump Pardons Man Who Simply Forgot He Wasn't Allowed To Do Insider Trading Anymore After Leaving Congress

WASHINGTON — Citing what he called 'a complete and total miscarriage of justice against a patriot who just really, really liked buying stocks at extremely opportune moments,' President Donald Trump officially pardoned former Republican Congressman Stephen Buyer on Tuesday, freeing a man whose only crime, sources confirm, was allegedly knowing things regular people are not legally allowed to know.

'Stephen Buyer is an innocent man,' Trump told reporters while signing the pardon with a gold Sharpie the size of a baseball bat. 'He bought some stocks. The stocks went up. Is that a crime in this country? Yes, technically, according to the courts, but that's fake news.'

Buyer, who had been convicted and sentenced to 22 months in prison for insider trading, emerged from the courthouse visibly emotional, insisting once again that he had maintained his innocence throughout the entire ordeal, a claim he has now maintained approximately 4,700 times since his arrest.

'I am completely innocent,' said Buyer, glancing briefly at a stock ticker on his phone. 'I have always been innocent. I will continue to be innocent going forward, probably.'

Legal experts noted that the pardon was especially notable because Buyer had served as a healthcare lobbyist at the time of the alleged trades, meaning he was surrounded constantly by sensitive corporate information that he absolutely, positively, scouts-honor did not use.

'His defense was essentially that it was all a massive coincidence,' explained constitutional law professor Diane Whitmore. 'And frankly, some coincidences are so massive and so perfectly timed and so financially lucrative that they deserve a presidential pardon. That's just how democracy works now.'

At press time, Buyer was spotted outside the New York Stock Exchange with a very large ear pressed firmly against the building's front door.