Trump Signs Executive Order Mandating All College Athletes Must Play Every Sport Simultaneously or Lose Funding

WASHINGTON — In a bold move to revolutionize college athletics, former President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday requiring all student-athletes to compete in every single sport offered by their university simultaneously, warning that schools failing to comply would lose federal funding faster than a fumbled snap.

"These kids today are too specialized," Trump declared at a Rose Garden ceremony featuring a 47-sport obstacle course. "In my day, athletes were athletes. They could throw a javelin while dribbling a basketball and solving algebraic equations. That's what made America great."

The order, dubbed the "Omni-Athletic Stability Act," mandates that by fall 2024, every scholarship athlete must maintain active roster status across all varsity sports, including lesser-known programs like competitive badminton, synchronized diving, and the increasingly popular sport of "extreme library science."

University of Alabama head football coach Nick Saban expressed confusion about how his 320-pound offensive linemen would adapt to rhythmic gymnastics requirements. "I guess we'll need bigger leotards," Saban told reporters while frantically Googling "how to teach a linebacker to pole vault."

The Department of Education estimates that implementing the new rules will require colleges to construct time machines, as the average student-athlete would need approximately 73 hours per day to attend all required practices, games, and matches.

"This is about fairness," explained newly appointed Secretary of Multi-Sport Excellence, a former professional cornhole player. "Why should basketball players only play basketball when they could also be excelling at water polo and competitive yodeling?"

Early reports from test schools indicate that most athletes have developed the ability to sleep while running track and can now write essays using only their feet during soccer practice.