U.S. and Cuban Generals Meet at Guantánamo to Argue About Whose Side of the Fence Looks Worse

GUANTÁNAMO BAY — In a meeting that required both parties to technically stand on opposite sides of an imaginary line while maintaining eye contact, Southern Command Chief General Richardson sat down Thursday with a Cuban general at the United States' most famous borrowed-and-never-returned property to discuss border security and the protection of military personnel.

'We asked them to stop leaving passive-aggressive notes on our side of the fence,' said a U.S. military spokesperson, adjusting his medals nervously. 'They said they weren't leaving notes. We said the notes were in Spanish. It got complicated.'

The Cuban general, who arrived wearing sunglasses indoors despite the meeting taking place entirely outdoors, reportedly opened negotiations by asking if the Americans had considered 'just... leaving.' The Americans reportedly responded by offering a tray of Chick-fil-A, which is not available in Cuba, in what analysts are calling 'the most aggressive diplomatic move since the Bay of Pigs.'

Sources close to the meeting say the two sides spent approximately forty-five minutes discussing border security, twenty minutes discussing personnel protection protocols, and two and a half hours debating whether the base's one McDonald's technically counted as American soil within American soil, creating what military lawyers are describing as 'a jurisdictional turducken.'

'The talks were productive,' said General Richardson in a prepared statement, visibly sweating in a way that suggested they were not. 'We covered many topics of mutual interest, including who left the gate open last Tuesday, and whether the seagulls in the area should be considered neutral parties.'

The Cuban delegation departed without incident, though witnesses say one general quietly pocketed a complimentary U.S. military pen, which both sides have agreed to pretend did not happen.

Relations between the two countries remain, as one State Department official described them, 'like two people sharing an apartment after a bad breakup — technically functional, aggressively polite, and one misplaced coffee mug away from total collapse.'

A follow-up meeting has been scheduled for next quarter, or 'whenever someone does something weird again,' whichever comes first.