US Brokers Ceasefire After Promising Both Sides A Chili's Gift Card And A Fruit Basket

WASHINGTON — In what analysts are calling 'the most successful use of complimentary snacks in the history of modern geopolitics,' the United States successfully brokered a landmark ceasefire agreement between Israel and Lebanon Tuesday, after weeks of negotiations that sources describe as 'going absolutely nowhere until somebody mentioned a gift card.'

'We tried diplomacy. We tried sanctions. We tried strongly worded letters,' said a senior State Department official, visibly exhausted and clutching a lukewarm coffee. 'In the end, it was a $50 Chili's gift card and a promise that the fruit basket would include at least one whole pineapple that really sealed the deal.'

Hezbollah negotiators initially rejected the first three fruit baskets, describing the ratio of apples to grapes as 'an act of aggression,' but eventually softened their position after the US agreed to throw in a decorative ribbon and a personalized note that read 'Wishing You Peace and Also Some Cheese.'

President Biden addressed the nation from the Oval Office, where he stood proudly in front of an American flag and a large decorative bowl of pears.

'Today, we have shown the world that when America puts its full diplomatic weight behind something — and also its full Chili's rewards points — anything is possible,' Biden said, before accidentally knocking the pears off the desk.

Under the terms of the agreement, Hezbollah has agreed to halt all military operations, attend at least three group meditation sessions, and submit a written apology in the form of a poem of no fewer than twelve stanzas. Israel, in turn, has agreed to 'generally chill out' for the foreseeable future.

Neither side was fully satisfied with the arrangement, which diplomats noted was 'a classic sign that a deal is working.'

'Do I love this deal? No,' said one Lebanese negotiator, slowly eating a complimentary breadstick. 'But the bottomless chips situation is genuinely impressive, so I am willing to move forward.'

Peace in the region is expected to last anywhere between two weeks and a geological epoch, depending on who gets the good parking spot at the next summit.

The Chili's corporation issued a statement saying they were 'honored and also slightly confused' to be part of the historic moment, and announced a limited-time Middle East Peace Combo Platter available for $14.99 through the end of the month.