US Military Launches Strikes On Iran After Iran Looked At Them Funny From Across The Room
WASHINGTON — The United States military launched a series of new strikes against southern Iran Tuesday following what US Central Command described as an 'unprovoked and deeply uncomfortable staring incident' between Iranian naval forces and American ships in the region, with officials confirming all missile deployments were purely defensive in nature.
'They were looking at us,' said General Mark Patterson at a Pentagon press briefing, gesturing to a PowerPoint slide that contained only the words 'THEY WERE LOOKING AT US' in 72-point font. 'What were we supposed to do? Not bomb them? I'd like to see you not bomb someone who's looking at you like that.'
US Central Command issued a formal statement explaining that the strikes on Iranian missile launch sites, patrol boats, and what one spokesperson described as 'a very suspicious-looking sand dune' were taken entirely in self-defence, adding that America's feelings were very much at risk and it had every right to protect them.
The Iranian government responded by stating the boats in question were simply 'existing in the ocean,' which Pentagon officials confirmed was 'exactly the kind of thing a threat would say.'
President Biden addressed the nation from the Oval Office, assuring Americans that the military would continue to respond defensively to any future incidents, including but not limited to: being tailgated on the highway, receiving passive-aggressive emails, or anyone at the United Nations sighing audibly during America's PowerPoint presentations.
'Make no mistake,' Biden said, reading from a notecard. 'We will always defend ourselves. Also I'm told we bombed some boats. Good. Good boats. Very defensive of us.'
The strikes were praised by Senator Ted Cruz, who called them 'a bold act of cowardice-free self-preservation,' before boarding a flight to Cancún.
At press time, the US military had launched an additional pre-emptive defensive strike after Iran was seen purchasing a longer garden hose.