World Leaders Issue 5 Conditions For Peace, Accidentally Order 5 Conditions On A Pizza

LONDON — In a stunning display of international cooperation that briefly united an entire continent before immediately confusing everyone, the leaders of the United Kingdom, France, Germany, and Ukraine gathered in London on Saturday to announce five ironclad conditions for a 'just and lasting peace' — a phrase that, when spoken with a British accent into a speakerphone, is apparently identical to a medium Domino's order.

'We are fully committed to conditions one through five,' declared UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak at a joint press conference, gesturing toward a laminated document that sources confirm smelled faintly of garlic bread. 'Condition one: immediate and unconditional ceasefire. Condition two: full withdrawal of Russian forces. Condition three: no anchovies.'

Sunak paused, squinting at the paper.

'That last one may have been from a different document,' he acknowledged.

French President Emmanuel Macron, who had flown in specifically to appear slightly more stylish than everyone else in the room, insisted the five conditions represented 'the absolute minimum requirements for peace, dignity, and also I believe there was supposed to be garlic dipping sauce.'

President Zelensky, who arrived wearing his trademark military green and an expression suggesting he has not slept since 2022, confirmed that Ukraine stands firmly behind all five conditions, calling them 'non-negotiable, historically significant, and honestly the stuffed crust was a good call.'

German Chancellor Olaf Scholz spent much of the press conference staring at the ceiling, which German officials described as 'deep contemplation' and other officials described as 'a man regretting every decision that led him here.'

The five official conditions, as outlined in the joint statement, include: a full ceasefire, Russian troop withdrawal, security guarantees for Ukraine, a war crimes tribunal, and — according to the version of the document accidentally submitted to the Domino's app — two liters of Sprite.

The Kremlin responded to the announcement by saying the conditions were 'unacceptable, baseless, and also they forgot to add the coupon code.'

Peace negotiations are expected to continue next week, pending delivery.