World's Most Experienced Cave Guy Now Just Professionally Worried About Every Cave On Earth

HELSINKI, FINLAND — Mikko Paasi, the Finnish cave diver whose LinkedIn profile now simply reads 'Goes Into Terrible Caves, Comes Back Out With Children,' announced this week that he is 'cautiously hopeful' about miners trapped in a Laos cave, marking the forty-seventh consecutive situation in which his specific, extremely niche expertise has somehow become internationally relevant.

'The collapse risks are high because you're constantly touching the roof, and it's hand-dug. There's no support anywhere,' said Paasi, speaking from what witnesses described as 'a very normal chair in a very normal room,' while somehow making it feel like a dramatic cave briefing.

Paasi, who first gained international fame for helping rescue twelve Thai youth soccer players and their coach from a flooded cave in 2018, admitted he had originally hoped that would be a 'one-time cave thing.'

'I thought, okay, I help with the boys, I go home, I eat a reindeer sandwich, I retire from caves,' Paasi told reporters. 'But then my phone rang again. And then again. I am now the cave phone number. I am the cave.'

Sources close to Paasi confirmed that he has begun pre-emptively packing a cave bag each morning before breakfast, 'just in case,' and that his Google Maps search history is, quote, 'exclusively concerning.'

The International Association of Extremely Specific Expertise confirmed that Paasi is currently ranked number one in the subcategory of 'Wet Dark Holes Where People Shouldn't Be,' edging out his closest competitor by nearly four rescues.

'We are in awe of Mikko,' said Dr. Petra Hoffmann, the Association's director. 'Most experts spend their whole careers hoping their specialty never becomes relevant. Mikko's specialty becomes relevant roughly every eighteen months, like a very terrible clockwork.'

At press time, Paasi was spotted anxiously Googling 'caves, worldwide, current status,' before closing his laptop and quietly eating a sandwich while staring out a window at absolutely no caves whatsoever, for once.