World's Oil Barrels Devastated After Learning They May No Longer Be Needed To Start Wars

HOUSTON — In what financial experts are calling 'the saddest day in petroleum history,' oil prices collapsed Monday after news broke that diplomats might actually solve a problem peacefully for once, leaving the global energy market completely unable to cope with the concept.

'We have stress-tested oil prices against hurricanes, recessions, and a pandemic, but nobody — and I mean nobody — ran the simulation where adults sat down and worked things out,' said Goldman Sachs analyst Derek Pfeiffer, staring blankly at his monitors. 'Our models simply do not account for competence.'

Wall Street investors, accustomed to profiting handsomely from geopolitical chaos, were reportedly seen wandering the floors of the New York Stock Exchange in a confused daze, clutching their pearls and muttering about the good old days when every international phone call ended in crude spiking seventeen percent.

S&P 500 futures rose slightly, which analysts interpreted as investors 'waiting to see if someone screws this up,' a traditionally reliable bet that has paid out consistently since 1973.

'We're cautiously optimistic that the deal falls apart,' said hedge fund manager Patricia Wrenley, who has seventeen vacation homes paid for entirely by Middle Eastern tension. 'History is on our side.'

At press time, oil prices had partially recovered after a diplomat reportedly used the wrong fork at a diplomatic dinner, reigniting hopes that everything would remain terrible.