Billy Joel Destroys Biopic Script With Piano, Informs Filmmakers He Is 'Not Starting The Fire'

NEW YORK—Slamming his fists down on a nearby piano in the key of F minor, rock legend Billy Joel officially condemned the planned biopic about his life this week, issuing a seventeen-page statement that sources describe as 'mostly just the lyrics to Piano Man but angrier.'

'They got everything wrong,' said Joel, 68, gesturing furiously at a script that filmmakers had sent him for review. 'In Act Two, my character orders a chicken parm with no basil. I always get the basil. Everyone who knows me knows I get the basil.'

The biopic, tentatively titled 'We Didn't Start The Film,' had been in development for three years before Joel publicly announced his opposition by sliding a strongly-worded letter under the door of a Hollywood production office at 2 AM while wearing a turtleneck.

Filmmakers were reportedly blindsided by Joel's opposition, having assumed his blessing after he failed to respond to a single email for fourteen consecutive months.

'We interpreted his complete silence as enthusiastic support,' said producer Derek Hamlin, 44, staring blankly into the middle distance. 'That's just how the industry works.'

Among Joel's other objections: a scene depicting him as 'too sad' while playing piano at Madison Square Garden, when in fact he was 'medium sad at most'; a casting decision that described the lead actor as 'a younger Billy Joel type'; and an entire third act set in Allentown, Pennsylvania, which Joel claims he included in a song purely 'for the meter, not as a personal invitation to set a movie there.'

Joel has proposed an alternative biopic format in which he sits alone in a room and no cameras are present.

'I think that really captures the essence of who I am,' he said.

At press time, Joel had agreed to reconsider his position if filmmakers agreed to include a scene of him correctly eating a sandwich.