Satire · Fiction for entertainment

China Launches Incredibly Polite LinkedIn Spy Campaign, Offers Military Secrets Handlers Competitive Salary And 'Fun Work Environment'

By dedododo Staff•6/4/2026•2 min read

WASHINGTON — The Five Eyes intelligence alliance issued a rare joint warning this week after discovering that China has been recruiting Western military personnel and intelligence officers through an elaborate network of fake LinkedIn profiles, each promising 'a collaborative team culture,' 'room for growth,' and 'competitive compensation package (classified documents accepted in lieu of salary).'

'We want to be very clear: if a company called Beijing Totally Normal Consulting LLC reaches out offering you $85,000 a year to 'share industry insights,' that is a spy,' said FBI Director Christopher Wray, pausing dramatically before adding, 'Also, their Glassdoor reviews are fake.'

The fake job listings, which officials say are disturbingly well-formatted, reportedly include enticing perks such as 'flexible remote work,' 'annual retreats to scenic undisclosed locations,' and 'opportunity to make a real difference in geopolitical outcomes.'

One Navy officer who nearly fell for the scheme told reporters he almost accepted the position after the recruiter complimented his resume. 'They said my experience in submarine navigation was 'a real differentiator in today's market,'' he said, visibly moved. 'No one had ever called me a differentiator before.'

The Five Eyes alliance — comprising the US, UK, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand — noted that despite the joint warning being historically unprecedented, it was still somehow less embarrassing than the fact that several targets had listed their security clearance level under the 'Skills' section of their public profiles.

China has denied all involvement, releasing a statement calling the accusations 'baseless,' while their LinkedIn account simultaneously posted a new opening for a 'Senior Geopolitical Intelligence Liaison (Entry Level Welcome, Must Have TS/SCI Clearance).'

At press time, seventeen Pentagon employees had clicked 'Easy Apply.'

More stories

Breaking: Local Officials Clarify Nothing Following Emergency Geographic Compliance Forum In Which The United Nations Subcommittee On National Positioning Confirms That Nations Which Share A Border Are Sharing It Simultaneously And From Their Respective Sides, Bilateral Cartographic Liaisons Warn Situation Has Been 'Ongoing Since The Border Was Drawn, Reciprocal By Definition, And Not Something Either Country Can Opt Out Of'

A three-day international summit concluded Friday with officials formally confirming that two countries sharing a border are, and have been, sharing it. Delegations from both nations declined to comment, citing ongoing uncertainty about what had been confirmed.

World•3 min read

International Consortium of Gravity Researchers Publishes Landmark 800-Page Study Confirming That Objects Placed On Tables Are Being Held Up By The Tables They Were Placed On, Structural Support Analysts Describe Phenomenon As 'Vertical, Surface-Dependent, And Happening Right Now To Millions Of Mugs'

A groundbreaking new study published in the Journal of Foundational Physical Realities has confirmed, after eight years of research and $340 million in grant funding, that tables are holding things up. Experts say the implications are staggering.

World•3 min read

World Leaders Conclude Historic Three-Nation Accord Establishing That Countries Which Have Flags Currently Have Those Flags, Vexillological Continuity Bureau Confirms Flags Were 'Present, Attached To Poles, And Belonging To The Countries They Were Already Belonging To'

The United Nations Department of Nutritional Sovereignty has released its landmark 1,100-page Midday Caloric Intake Compliance Report, formally confirming that member states consumed lunch on days when lunch was available and they were hungry enough to eat it.

World•3 min read

← Back to Home