China Launches Incredibly Polite LinkedIn Spy Campaign, Offers Military Secrets Handlers Competitive Salary And 'Fun Work Environment'

WASHINGTON — The Five Eyes intelligence alliance issued a rare joint warning this week after discovering that China has been recruiting Western military personnel and intelligence officers through an elaborate network of fake LinkedIn profiles, each promising 'a collaborative team culture,' 'room for growth,' and 'competitive compensation package (classified documents accepted in lieu of salary).'

'We want to be very clear: if a company called Beijing Totally Normal Consulting LLC reaches out offering you $85,000 a year to 'share industry insights,' that is a spy,' said FBI Director Christopher Wray, pausing dramatically before adding, 'Also, their Glassdoor reviews are fake.'

The fake job listings, which officials say are disturbingly well-formatted, reportedly include enticing perks such as 'flexible remote work,' 'annual retreats to scenic undisclosed locations,' and 'opportunity to make a real difference in geopolitical outcomes.'

One Navy officer who nearly fell for the scheme told reporters he almost accepted the position after the recruiter complimented his resume. 'They said my experience in submarine navigation was 'a real differentiator in today's market,'' he said, visibly moved. 'No one had ever called me a differentiator before.'

The Five Eyes alliance — comprising the US, UK, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand — noted that despite the joint warning being historically unprecedented, it was still somehow less embarrassing than the fact that several targets had listed their security clearance level under the 'Skills' section of their public profiles.

China has denied all involvement, releasing a statement calling the accusations 'baseless,' while their LinkedIn account simultaneously posted a new opening for a 'Senior Geopolitical Intelligence Liaison (Entry Level Welcome, Must Have TS/SCI Clearance).'

At press time, seventeen Pentagon employees had clicked 'Easy Apply.'