Hollywood Confirms All Nicolas Cage Movies Are Actually Just One Continuous Film That Has Been Playing Since 1987

LOS ANGELES — In a bombshell revelation that has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry, Hollywood executives confirmed Monday that every Nicolas Cage film ever released is, and has always been, one single continuous movie that began filming in the spring of 1987 and shows absolutely no signs of stopping.

The disclosure came after a junior archivist at Paramount Pictures accidentally discovered there was no paperwork indicating any Cage project had ever formally wrapped production. 'We kept looking for an end slate, a wrap party receipt, literally anything,' said archivist Dana Flourish, visibly pale. 'There's nothing. There has never been nothing. It just keeps going.'

Film scholars have since re-examined the entire Cage catalog and confirmed that if you watch Raising Arizona, Moonstruck, Con Air, National Treasure, and Pig back to back, the transitions are, in fact, seamless. 'The hair changes make complete sense now,' said Dr. Leonard Putz, Chair of Cinematic Continuity Studies at the University of Southern California. 'It's not multiple movies. It's one man's eternal, unblinking journey through every possible human emotion simultaneously, rendered on film. We should have seen this sooner. We failed everyone.'

Cage himself has neither confirmed nor denied the theory, which experts say is entirely on brand. In a statement released through his publicist, the actor simply provided a photograph of himself pointing at a beehive with the caption 'You're getting warmer.'

The Motion Picture Association announced it is convening an emergency panel to determine what this means for the Oscars, given that Cage's 1996 Academy Award for Best Actor in Leaving Las Vegas may technically need to be reclassified as a 'Mid-Project Achievement Citation.' 'We're in uncharted territory,' said MPA spokesperson Carol Brindt, speaking from what appeared to be a bunker. 'Our bylaws simply do not account for a film that is currently in its 37th year of continuous production and still somehow has a third act pending.'

Streaming services are reportedly in crisis. Netflix, which licenses several individual Cage titles, received legal notice this week that they may be in breach of contract for presenting chapters of a single film as standalone content. 'We thought we bought Ghost Rider,' said a Netflix spokesperson. 'Apparently we bought pages 4,847 through 5,203 of an ongoing manuscript. Our lawyers are reviewing this. Our therapists are also reviewing this.'

Audiences across the country have responded to the news with a mixture of awe, confusion, and the unsettling feeling that they somehow already knew. 'Honestly? It explains everything,' said Todd Rembar, 34, of Akron, Ohio, eating nachos in a multiplex parking lot. 'It explains the bees. It explains the face-off. It explains why every movie feels like it could logically lead into the next one. Nicolas Cage is not an actor. He's a narrative.'

Production on the film is expected to continue indefinitely. The current working title, according to sources deep within the project, is simply listed in the budget documents as 'Yes.'

Nicolas Cage is currently filming three more scenes simultaneously in Budapest, the Louisiana bayou, and what insiders describe only as 'somewhere that doesn't appear on maps.' Release date is listed as ongoing.