Local Man Dave Dombrowski Fires Manager Just to See What Would Happen, Sources Confirm

PHILADELPHIA — In what experts are calling "the most Dave Dombrowski move ever," Phillies General Manager Dave Dombrowski announced Friday that he has fired manager Rob Thomson not because he had a better replacement lined up, but simply because he "felt like doing something today."

"Look, I tried to get Alex Cora, but he's busy or whatever," Dombrowski explained while shrugging aggressively at a press conference. "But I already had this whole firing energy built up, and I didn't want to waste it. You know how it is when you're really in the mood to fire somebody?"

Thomson, who reportedly learned of his dismissal when Dombrowski changed the locks on his office and left a Post-it note that simply read "ur fired - dave," expressed confusion about the timing.

"I thought we had a pretty good season," Thomson said, standing outside Citizens Bank Park with a cardboard box full of his belongings. "But apparently Dave had 'change fever' and I was the closest person to change."

Dombrowski confirmed that his managerial search now consists entirely of "seeing who answers when I call random numbers from the baseball directory" and "maybe that guy who does the Phanatic costume, he seems to understand the game."

The Phillies front office has scheduled a team meeting for Monday, where Dombrowski plans to announce the new manager by pulling a name out of a hat containing every person who has ever held a baseball.