Local Man With Spreadsheet Confidently Predicts Every 2026 Patriots Game Despite Team Having Won 4 Games Last Season

WEYMOUTH, MA — In what sports analysts are calling 'the most audacious act of optimism since someone bought a Blockbuster franchise in 2018,' local Patriots superfan Derek Foulds has published a detailed, week-by-week prediction breakdown for the New England Patriots' 2026 NFL season, projecting a final record of 11-6 and a first-round playoff bye.

'I've accounted for everything,' said Foulds, gesturing to a laminated wall chart in his basement that his wife has asked him to remove 'at least fourteen times.' 'Weather patterns, injury history, the vibe of the schedule — it's all in there. The Patriots are absolutely going 3-0 in October. I can feel it.'

The predictions, which took Foulds approximately 200 hours to compile, are based on a proprietary algorithm he developed himself, which weighs factors including 'how good the team feels this year,' 'whether they look mad enough in practice footage,' and a variable he calls simply 'Patriot Pride,' which he admits he cannot fully define but insists is 'very real and very powerful.'

The New England Patriots, who went 4-13 last season and have cycled through three offensive coordinators, two quarterbacks, and one exorcist since the departure of Bill Belichick, were reportedly unaware of Foulds' predictions until a reporter read them aloud during a press conference, at which point head coach Jerod Mayo stared directly into the camera for eleven seconds without speaking.

'We're just focusing on Day 1,' Mayo said, before quietly folding a piece of paper into increasingly smaller squares.

Foulds, who has correctly predicted the outcome of a Patriots game exactly twice in the last four years — both times accidentally, while asleep — remains undeterred.

'People said I was crazy when I predicted we'd go 9-8 in 2025,' he said. 'And yes, we went 4-13. But spiritually? Spiritually, we went 9-8.'

At press time, Foulds had already begun his 2027 predictions, noting that 'the vibes are immaculate' and that he has a 'really good feeling about this quarterback class.'