Local Mom Finally Approves of Daughter's Boyfriend After He Successfully Demonstrates Ability to Stand Upright and Breathe Simultaneously

HOLLYWOOD — In a groundbreaking announcement that shocked absolutely no one, actress Melanie Griffith publicly declared her enthusiastic support for daughter Dakota Johnson's new relationship after witnessing the boyfriend perform basic mammalian functions without assistance.

"I've never seen anything so fabulous in my life," Griffith told reporters while wiping away tears of joy. "He walked through a doorway on his first try, remembered his own name when asked, and hasn't once tried to eat my houseplants. This is the kind of role model every mother dreams of for her daughter."

The boyfriend, who goes by the stage name "Role Model" presumably because he successfully models the role of being alive, has apparently won over the family by demonstrating revolutionary behaviors such as making eye contact during conversations and using utensils for their intended purposes.

"At first I was skeptical," Griffith admitted. "But then I watched him tie his own shoes, and I thought, 'This is it. This is the one.' When he later proved he could identify colors correctly, I knew Dakota had found her soulmate."

Johnson, 34, reportedly met her new beau at a coffee shop where witnesses say he successfully ordered a beverage and paid with legal tender, immediately catching her attention with his advanced cognitive abilities.

"The bar was already pretty low after my previous dating experiences," Johnson confessed. "But when I saw him successfully operate a door handle and remember which pocket he put his wallet in, I knew this was something special."

Griffith's approval marks the first time in Johnson's adult life that a romantic partner has met the family's rigorous standards, which include breathing regularly, responding to their own name, and not getting lost in small, enclosed spaces.

At press time, the couple was celebrating their relationship milestone by successfully walking in the same direction while holding hands.