Local Security Guard Takes Full Responsibility For All Human Interactions Ever, Apologizes For Inventing Social Awkwardness

CLEVELAND, OH - Security guard Gerald Knobsworth, 47, shocked the world Tuesday when he released a 47-page statement taking 'full responsibility for all interactions between humans since the dawn of civilization,' following what witnesses described as 'asking someone if they needed help finding the elevator.'

The statement, written entirely in Comic Sans font and notarized by his mother, includes formal apologies for everything from 'that time your coworker said good morning too enthusiastically' to 'when the cashier asked if you found everything okay but you clearly didn't because the milk was expired but you said yes anyway because confrontation is scary.'

'I realize now that by existing in public spaces and occasionally making eye contact with other humans, I have single-handedly created the concept of social anxiety,' Knobsworth wrote. 'For this, I am deeply sorry. I should have known that my decision to pursue a career that involves standing near doorways would lead to the complete breakdown of human communication.'

The security guard went on to accept blame for other societal issues including 'why people pretend to be on their phones in elevators,' 'the invention of small talk about weather,' and 'that weird thing where two people keep stepping the same direction trying to get around each other.'

Knobsworth's employer, Mediocre Hotel Chain Inc., released their own statement calling his apology 'unnecessarily comprehensive' and noting that 'Gerald also apologized for the extinction of the dinosaurs, which seems outside his job description.'

At press time, Knobsworth was reportedly working on a follow-up statement taking responsibility for why people say 'you too' when the movie theater employee tells them to enjoy their film.