Local Soccer Teams Accidentally Play Actual Soccer Instead of Elaborate Theatrical Performance

CARSON, CA - In a stunning departure from Major League Soccer tradition, Los Angeles Football Club and Inter Miami CF shocked audiences nationwide by actually attempting to play soccer during their match on Saturday, sources confirmed.

Witnesses reported seeing players deliberately kick a spherical object toward rectangular frames, behavior that experts say has not been observed in professional soccer since the early 1990s.

"I kept waiting for someone to dramatically collapse after minimal contact, but they just... kept running," said confused spectator Janet Morrison. "At one point, a player was fouled and didn't even roll around on the ground for three minutes. I didn't know that was legal."

MLS Commissioner Don Garber issued an emergency statement clarifying that while actual soccer is not explicitly prohibited, teams are strongly encouraged to prioritize "narrative storytelling through athletic metaphor" over "crude ball-kicking activities."

Meanwhile, Red Bull New York's decision to field players under the age of 47 has sparked controversy among purists who argue that true soccer artistry can only be achieved by athletes who remember the Carter administration.

"These young players don't understand the beautiful game," complained longtime fan Rick Pemberton. "Where's the contemplative standing? The philosophical jogging? They're just out there trying to win games like savages."

The league has announced that future matches will feature mandatory interpretive dance breaks every 15 minutes to restore proper soccer dignity.