Local Woman Still Processing Ex-Boyfriend's Death Despite Him Being Very Much Alive and Posting Daily Gym Selfies
MALIBU, CA — Local woman Priya Jain announced Tuesday that she is still "working through her feelings" about ex-boyfriend Eric Dane's tragic death, despite the minor inconvenience that Dane is demonstrably alive and was spotted at a Whole Foods buying kombucha just yesterday.
"I just can't put my emotions into words right now," said Jain, dabbing her eyes with tissues while Dane's Instagram story played in the background showing him doing deadlifts at Equinox. "The grief comes in waves, you know? Especially when he keeps calling me asking for his AirPods back."
Jain, who has been "mourning" for three weeks now, has reportedly set up a small shrine in her apartment featuring photos of Dane, scented candles, and his forgotten hoodie. The memorial sits directly across from her window, which offers a clear view of Dane washing his car in his driveway every Sunday.
"Death is so final," Jain explained, pausing to decline an incoming FaceTime call from Dane. "I mean, how do you even begin to process losing someone who won't stop tagging you in TikToks?"
Dane, reached for comment while literally standing outside the interview location, expressed confusion about his reported demise. "I'm right here though," he said, waving both arms. "Like, visibly alive. I literally brought her coffee this morning."
Jain's friends report that she has been handling the "loss" by posting cryptic Instagram stories with crying emojis, usually within hours of commenting "LOL" on Dane's latest beach volleyball photos.
"We're all very supportive of Priya's grieving process," said best friend Michelle Torres, gesturing toward Dane, who was audibly mowing his lawn next door. "It's important to let people mourn in their own way, even when that person is clearly fine and just got a haircut."
At press time, Jain was reportedly planning a memorial service, though she admitted she might have to reschedule depending on Dane's availability.