Mavericks Fire Jason Kidd After Coach Discovered Living Comfortably In Corner Office, Refuses To Leave

DALLAS — In a stunning move that absolutely no one saw coming except for literally everyone, the Dallas Mavericks announced Tuesday that they have parted ways with head coach Jason Kidd, ending a five-season tenure characterized primarily by Kidd's remarkable talent for surviving in an organization the way a feral raccoon survives in a suburban neighborhood — through sheer stubbornness, confusion, and an ironclad contract.

'We wish Jason all the best,' said Mavericks owner Mark Cuban in a statement that sources say took eleven drafts to write because every previous version began with the words 'finally' or 'oh thank God.'

The decision was reportedly complicated by the fact that Kidd still had significant years and money remaining on his contract, leading several NBA insiders to question whether the Mavericks would ever be able to remove him at all, legally, spiritually, or physically.

'At a certain point, we had to accept that Jason had begun treating the facility as his permanent residence,' said one anonymous front office member, visibly shaken. 'He had a throw pillow. A THROW PILLOW, Karen.'

Kidd, for his part, reportedly received the news with the calm confidence of a man who has already been fired once by the Nets and knows exactly what it looks like and smells like and is completely unafraid of it.

'I have grown so much here in Dallas,' Kidd said at a brief press conference, gesturing warmly to the corner of the practice facility where he had assembled what witnesses described as 'a very cozy reading nook' surrounded by five seasons worth of losses and a small succulent he named 'Dirk.'

League sources indicate that finding Kidd's replacement will be difficult, as most qualified coaching candidates have already heard about the throw pillow and want nothing to do with whatever is happening in Dallas.

The succulent has not yet been reached for comment but is reportedly thriving.