NBA Announces All-Rookie Team Will Be 'Announced,' Confirms Universe Still Operating On Linear Timeline

NEW YORK — Defying all expectations that the future would remain permanently unknowable, the NBA announced Monday that its 2025-26 Kia All-Rookie Team will be revealed on May 20, a date that league officials confirmed comes after May 19 and before May 21.

'We are proud to announce that the announcement will be announced,' said NBA Commissioner Adam Silver, visibly emotional at a press conference held inside a room that exists in space. 'This is a historic moment for the sport of basketball, for the concept of announcements, and frankly for the calendar industry, which has long championed the idea that May has a twentieth day.'

The announcement — which will announce other announcements — will feature Cooper Flagg and Kon Knueppel, two human men who played basketball this year instead of not playing basketball, sources confirmed.

Flagg, reached for comment, said he was 'honored to headline something,' adding that he was also broadly in favor of being alive and having a name.

Knueppel, meanwhile, released a statement expressing gratitude 'to everyone who supported me during the months in which I existed.'

The All-Rookie Team will consist of a First Team and a Second Team, the NBA further clarified, dispelling widespread panic among fans who feared the teams might be organized as a Seventh Team and a Negative Fourth Team.

'We considered ranking them by hat size,' admitted one league official who requested anonymity, 'but ultimately decided that basketball performance was slightly more relevant.'

Kia, the automobile manufacturer that has sponsored this announcement of a future announcement, issued a press release noting that their cars 'continue to have four wheels, mostly.'

At press time, May 20 was still scheduled to happen.