OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Actor Danny Trejo Releases Formal Nine-Paragraph Clarification Confirming That His Personal Position On The U.S. Immigration And Customs Enforcement Agency Is 'Not Pro,' ICE Liaison Office Acknowledges Receipt Of Statement And Notes Affiliation Was 'Unconfirmed, Unwanted, And Now Officially Denied In Writing'

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Office of Unsolicited Public Stance Verification has formally acknowledged receipt of a nine-paragraph clarification issued by actor Danny Trejo, in which Mr. Trejo confirms, with what the Bureau describes as 'appropriate urgency and a regrettable number of semicolons,' that his participation in the Daily Wire film Pawn Shop, produced by Ben Shapiro's production company, does not constitute, imply, suggest, or cinematically encode any personal endorsement of the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency.

The clarification, submitted voluntarily and without prompting from any regulatory body, was reviewed by the Interagency Panel on Talent Alignment and Perceived Institutional Sympathy, which convened an emergency working session Tuesday to determine whether the statement adequately addressed the assumption it was written to address. The panel found that it did. The assumption was not named in the statement. The statement did not name the assumption. Both parties are aware of each other.

'Mr. Trejo has made clear that he is Not Pro-ICE,' said a spokesperson for the Bureau of Celebrity Affiliation Tracking, reading from a laminated printout of the statement during a press briefing held in a room with one functioning overhead light. 'The Bureau has logged this position under the subsection titled Positions That Are Negative Regarding A Thing, and cross-referenced it with the supplementary file labeled Things The Position Is Negative Regarding. The matter is considered closed pending any future films.'

The spokesperson paused, consulted a second laminated sheet, and added that the Bureau had also noted the statement was 'issued publicly, widely distributed, and written in the first person, which we found helpful.'

Mr. Trejo's representative confirmed that the actor remains available for clarifications regarding additional films, agencies, production companies, or political figures with whom he has appeared within a forty-foot radius and does not wish to be ideologically conflated. A scheduling form is available upon request.

The Daily Wire's Pawn Shop, meanwhile, has been formally categorized by the Office of Films That Are Now About Other Things as 'a film that is no longer primarily discussed in terms of its content.' The film's runtime, plot, and cast have been noted in a separate document, which the Office confirms was printed, placed in a folder, and has not been opened since the folder was closed.

At press time, the Bureau of Celebrity Affiliation Tracking reported that it had received seventeen additional clarifications from individuals who had not been asked to clarify anything, and that all seventeen had been logged, initialed, and placed behind the Trejo file in a drawer that closes only if you lift the handle slightly while pushing.