OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE: Baja California Surfing Jurisdiction Oversight Panel Formally Determines That Three Men Who Were Found Guilty Of A Crime Are Now Considered Guilty Of That Crime, Conviction Analysts Describe Verdict As 'Rendered, Binding, And Pertaining To The Men On Trial'

OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF NONSENSE Bureau of Verdicts That Have Already Been Issued Subcommittee on Outcomes That Were Reached Through Conventional Legal Process

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

WASHINGTON / ENSENADA — The Department of Nonsense, acting in full coordination with the Interagency Panel on Judicial Conclusions You Could Have Read About Elsewhere, has today released its 280-page foundational policy brief formally establishing that three men who were found guilty of a crime by a sitting judge inside a functioning courthouse are, as a result of that finding, guilty.

The determination, which required fourteen months of cross-departmental deliberation, two fact-finding summits held at a resort in the general vicinity of the issue, and one PowerPoint presentation described by attendees as 'dense but not informative,' concludes that the guilty verdict rendered in Baja California, Mexico, in connection with the April 2024 murders of two Australian brothers and their American companion during a surfing trip, constitutes a guilty verdict in the formal, judicial, and binding sense of that phrase.

'After exhaustive review,' reads page one of the brief, 'and again on page 212, and briefly in the appendix, this Department has determined that the three men who were found guilty are guilty. This is consistent with findings from the judge, who also found them guilty, which is what prompted this report.'

The Department's Chief Verdict Continuity Officer, speaking from behind a podium that sources confirm was present and load-bearing throughout the duration of remarks, clarified that the guilty status of the three men applies specifically to those three men and not to other, unrelated individuals who were not found guilty in this or any adjacent proceeding.

'We want to be precise,' the officer said. 'These are three men. They have been found guilty. The crime in question occurred in Baja California. The victims were from Australia and the United States, respectively. The surfing trip was real. The ocean was present. These facts have been verified, cross-referenced, and laminated.'

When a reporter asked whether the verdict had any implications for future proceedings, the officer paused for eleven seconds before stating that the Department was 'not in a position to comment on things that have not happened yet, given that the Department has only recently finished commenting on things that happened fourteen months ago.'

The Recreational Coastal Activity Criminal Outcome Division, a subunit established specifically for this brief, noted in its supplementary findings that the surfing trip itself had, at the time of departure, been described by participants as 'a surfing trip,' and that subsequent events had not altered the original classification of the trip's departure phase, which remained 'a surfing trip in its pre-incident stage.'

The full policy brief, available in print, PDF, and an audio version read aloud in a tone described as 'measured, reluctant, and aware of itself,' runs 280 pages. Pages 1 through 279 establish that the men were found guilty. Page 280 contains a map of Baja California with no additional annotation.

The Department has confirmed it will release a follow-up brief in approximately sixteen months addressing whether the men, who are guilty, remain guilty at that later time. Early projections suggest they will.

This statement was prepared by the Department of Nonsense and should not be interpreted as news, though it is formatted to resemble it closely.

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