Raiders Select Fernando Mendoza After He Promises to Actually Show Up Unlike Previous Heisman Winners

LAS VEGAS — In a shocking display of optimism that borders on clinical delusion, the Las Vegas Raiders selected University of California quarterback Fernando Mendoza with the No. 1 overall pick in the 2026 NFL Draft, making him the fifth Heisman Trophy winner drafted by the franchise and the first to sign a legally binding promise not to immediately pursue a career in baseball, television commentary, or interpretive dance.

"We're really excited about Fernando's commitment to showing up," said Raiders General Manager Tom Telesco, clutching a crumpled napkin containing Mendoza's handwritten oath. "Unlike our previous Heisman selections, Fernando has guaranteed he will attend at least half our games, which represents a 400% improvement over our historical average."

The Raiders' cursed relationship with Heisman winners dates back to Marcus Allen, who they somehow convinced to actually play football, Bo Jackson, who treated the NFL like a weekend hobby between baseball seasons, Tim Brown, who surprisingly stuck around, and Charles Woodson, who eventually won a Super Bowl with Green Bay out of spite.

"I promise to be physically present for most snaps," Mendoza announced at his introductory press conference, reading carefully from a teleprompter. "I will not fake my own death to avoid training camp, nor will I claim that football conflicts with my lactose intolerance."

Vegas bookmakers have already set odds on Mendoza announcing his retirement to become a professional chess player at 3-to-1.