Researchers Determine 'Rightward Political Shift' Involves Latin America Moving Physically To The Right, Geologists Asked To Monitor Plate Boundaries

BOGOTÁ — In what the International Consortium for Observing Things That Are Happening is calling 'a significant if geometrically straightforward development,' researchers announced Tuesday that Colombia has undergone a rightward political shift following the swearing-in of President Nicolás De la Espriella, who replaced leftist Gustavo Petro in a ceremony experts describe as 'one person leaving and another person arriving and then some words being said.'

The study, which consumed fourteen months of peer-reviewed analysis and one very long lunch, concludes with 94% confidence that right is, in fact, the opposite direction from left, and that Latin America appears to be moving toward it at a pace researchers describe as 'measurable, though the unit of measurement remains under internal review.'

'What we can say definitively,' said Dr. Anneliese Fromm of the Institute for Obvious Geopolitical Vectors, 'is that when a region shifts right, it is not shifting left. We cannot yet speak to what it is shifting toward, but we are reasonably confident it is not shifting diagonally. More funding is needed.'

The new president's vow to crack down on armed groups was flagged separately by a parallel working group tasked with determining whether a crackdown is, technically, a downward motion. Results remain inconclusive, though early models suggest the crack occurs first, followed by the down, and that the sequence matters.

Experts were quick to note that the transition itself proceeded in the expected manner. 'One president was sworn in,' said Professor Dario Muñecas-Webb of the Center for Watching Inaugurations Happen. 'The swearing occurred. The in was completed. We observed no swearing-out, no swearing-sideways, and no swearing that was deferred to a later date. Textbook.'

The study does flag one anomaly: three members of De la Espriella's transition team were observed shifting slightly to the left during the ceremony while reaching for water glasses, which researchers say introduces a confounding variable they have elected to describe as 'the hydration exception' and address in a footnote.

Colombia has been notified of the findings. A spokesperson said the government was 'aware that it exists and is positioned to the right of where it previously was,' and thanked the research team for its diligence. Former President Petro, reached for comment, confirmed he was no longer president, calling the development 'consistent with my current understanding of events.'

The study will be presented at next month's Symposium on Political Directions and Whether They Are Still the Directions We Originally Agreed On, in Geneva, which experts note is located where it has always been located, pending a follow-up study.