Rory McIlroy Reportedly Considering Hiring Professional Grief Counselor to Follow Him Around Augusta National 'Just in Case'

AUGUSTA, GA — Sources close to four-time major champion Rory McIlroy confirmed Wednesday that the Northern Irish golfer has retained the services of Dr. Patricia Binghamton, a licensed grief counselor who specializes in "catastrophic sporting disappointments," to shadow him during Sunday's final round of the Masters.

"We're just being proactive," explained McIlroy's caddie, Harry Diamond, while nervously adjusting his yardage book for the 47th time. "Rory could either join golf immortality or become the answer to the world's most depressing trivia question. Dr. Binghamton will be hiding behind the azaleas on every hole, ready to provide immediate emotional support."

The unprecedented move comes as McIlroy enters Sunday with a commanding lead that could either cement his legacy or create a collapse so spectacular that ESPN would need to create an entirely new category of sporting disasters. Tournament officials have reportedly installed additional tissue dispensers around Augusta National and placed the clubhouse piano on standby for potential funeral dirge requirements.

"I've counseled people through house fires, job losses, and divorce," said Dr. Binghamton, adjusting her golf-appropriate blazer. "But I've never dealt with someone who could either achieve their lifelong dream or suffer the most public professional humiliation in sports history, all within four hours on live television."

McIlroy himself appeared calm during Wednesday's practice round, though witnesses reported him stopping to hug trees on holes 11, 12, and 13 while whispering, "Please don't hurt me again, Amen Corner."

The golfer's management team has also reportedly arranged for a backup celebration champagne delivery and a backup getaway car, depending on Sunday's outcome.