Trump Brokers Historic 3-Day Ceasefire After Promising Both Leaders Their Own Gold-Plated Sash Reading 'Best At War'
WASHINGTON — In what the White House is describing as 'the greatest ceasefire in the history of ceasefires, possibly ever,' President Donald Trump announced Monday that Russia and Ukraine have agreed to pause their three-year war for a period of exactly three days, after Trump reportedly told both leaders they were 'very special guys' and promised each of them a personalized trophy.
'They both said yes immediately. Very fast yes. Zelensky said yes, Putin said yes, I said yes, we all said yes,' Trump told reporters from the Oval Office, flanked by a poster-sized map of Europe on which someone had drawn a gold star over the Atlantic Ocean. 'Three days. Could be more. Could be less. Probably exactly three days. We'll see what happens.'
According to senior administration officials, the breakthrough came after Trump spent forty-five minutes on separate phone calls assuring each world leader that he personally thought they were 'winning' and that the other guy 'looked tired.' The agreement also reportedly includes a prisoner exchange, which Trump described as 'like a trade, but instead of cars, it's soldiers, which frankly I think is better.'
The ceasefire is scheduled to begin Thursday at noon, end Sunday at noon, and includes a 'halftime show clause' on Saturday during which both armies must pause to watch highlight reels of Trump's greatest negotiating moments, submitted by Trump himself.
Diplomats in Brussels expressed cautious optimism, with one senior EU official stating, 'We have no idea what's happening. Nobody called us. We found out on Truth Social like everyone else.'
Kremlin spokesperson Dmitry Peskov confirmed Russia's participation in the ceasefire, adding that Putin was 'very moved' by Trump's assurance that he had 'great cheekbones' and 'a real winner's energy.'
Zelensky, reached for comment via video call while wearing what appeared to be his standard olive-green t-shirt, said only that he appreciated the gesture and was cautiously hopeful, before Trump interrupted to remind everyone watching that the t-shirt 'would look better in gold.'
The White House has already submitted Trump's name for the Nobel Peace Prize, the Pulitzer Prize, the Grammy, and the Cy Young Award, 'just to cover the bases,' per a memo obtained by this reporter.
Critics have raised concerns about what happens on Day 4, to which Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt responded, 'Day 4 is Day 4's problem. Today is a great day. The greatest day. Maybe ever.'
At press time, Trump had announced a follow-up deal in which both nations agreed to a 90-minute 'cooling off period' during which all soldiers must watch 'The Apprentice' Season 1 on a shared projector screen at the border.