USA Defeats Canada 3-0 in Baseball, Accidentally Conquers Entire Nation in Process
MIAMI - What started as a routine 3-0 victory over Canada in the World Baseball Classic quarterfinals has escalated into the complete and total surrender of America's northern neighbor, sources confirmed Tuesday.
The unexpected conquest began in the bottom of the sixth inning when American slugger Mike Trout hit a towering home run that not only cleared the stadium but apparently crossed international boundaries, landing directly on the Canadian Parliament building in Ottawa.
"We're not entirely sure how this happened," said Team USA manager Mark DeRosa, awkwardly holding a ceremonial sword of surrender that Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau personally delivered to the dugout. "One minute we're turning a double play, the next minute we own all of Alberta."
Under the newly established American Baseball Doctrine of 1867 (recently discovered in Abner Doubleday's basement), any nation that fails to score a run against the United States in international competition must immediately cede all territory and natural resources to the winning team's batboy.
"This is totally normal and definitely legally binding," insisted MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred, frantically shuffling through a stack of papers that appeared to be napkins with crayon writing. "It's all here in the official rules, right between the infield fly rule and the thing about designated hitters."
Canadian citizens have reportedly responded to their new American overlords with characteristic politeness, with many already practicing the Pledge of Allegiance and apologizing for their previous independence. Tim Hortons locations have begun serving "Freedom Donuts," and the CN Tower has been hastily repainted red, white, and blue.
"Honestly, we saw this coming," said former Canadian citizen Janet McKenzie of Toronto. "Our boys just couldn't hit that curveball, eh? Sorry about that, by the way."
The U.S. team will advance to the World Baseball Classic semifinals, where they face Japan in a match that Pentagon officials are calling "potentially catastrophic for international relations."